drawer16's Blog

I'm not sure I've forgave the people who have hurt me in the past, I just find it so hard to move on, it still hurts and causes my problems, it torments me and I need to get it out of me but I don't see how it's possible if I can't forget it. I don't know what i want or who i am anymore and i'm wondering is there any point finding that out just in case it's only going to be bad.

So many wishes, what if's, but's and maybe's, only used when things have gone wrong, regrets are made and my mind can't stop thinking.

I wish I could be stronger, I wish I didn't tell you, I wish I could have a high self esteem, I wish I could be physically and emotionally healthy, I wish I could be with someone special, I wish I didn't loose the trust of my family, I wish I could tell you how I feel, I wish I could still see you, I wish I could forget, I wish everything was alright.
What if I didn't tell them, what if I had talked to my family about how I felt, what if you reciprocated my feelings, what if things in my past didn't happen, what if I had listened to my dad, what if I had thought before I said it, what if you weren't there, what if I had been more responsible, what if my mind reacted differently to things, what if I hadn't done that.
But I'm too weak, but I can't, but I've tried, but you lied, but I don't want too, but I hate myself, but I'm addicted, but I'm lazy, but I get anxious, but it was my fault, but I need you, but I couldn't stop myself, but I needed too, but I trusted you.
Maybe we could have been together, maybe you hated me, maybe I could have behaved differently, maybe I could have tried harder, maybe you were right, maybe I'm just too weak for life, maybe I overreacted, maybe I deserve all this rubbish, maybe you felt the same, maybe I could/can't change, maybe I'm fake.

All these wishes, what if's, but's and maybe's and probably many more that have all been spoken in my mind, they're all linked up to some sort of issue, problem and experience I've had and have. I don't go a day without speaking at least one of these things in my mind and when I do it hurts, it brings back so many thoughts and physical and emotional feelings, I ramble on and on in my mind, constantly thinking about problems and possible solutions. I have times where I can get carried away with ideas and fantasies in my head, there's a great possibility they won't come true but still I delude myself a lot the time.

I know you can't be here with me but I always expect you to walk through the door to cuddle me and cheer me up. I need you so much it's unbearable to be without you, all I need is you, it seems so simple when I think about it but really it's so complicated. I know you're the only one that can change me, make me happy and help me, I can't even have something in my life that does that for me then why have I been given life, what's the point in being alive when life is going to be shit. I want you and only you, if I can't have you then my life is not worth living.

It's been 3 months since I last saw you,it soo hard when you're always vividly infront of me and I'm thinking about what you've said before.It's slowly tearing me apart everyday I don't see you,I know I'm never going to see you again and I bet your glad to not have to see me again.Every movement  and word that I've captured in my head plays over and over again,on a daily basis.I keep thinking back to that day when my friend told me you had a lovebite on your neck,I felt like crying,that day I cut myself because of the pain I felt,that was over a year ago and I still feel like cutting myself when thinking about it.I loved that time when you touched my hand,my hand was so stiff from the shock you gave me,I loved when ever you used to walk pass me,it just made me so happy to see you.I guess you'll only give me a tiny bit of happiness now as sadness overpowers my feelings,I just need you soo much,I never thought I would need someone this much.God damn it I'm so messed up over you,why can't you just disappear from my thoughts,I just wish I could erase all these 4 years of being around you,but it's too late you're never going to leave,I just know it.I remember when you gave me an example of something,you said 'if I wanted to fly to that tree over there,but I haven't got wings so it isn't going to happen.' ,I burst out with tears when I think about that day,probably one of the worst days I've felt over this long period of happiness and heartache.Another one of the worst days was when I told you that I liked you,you just walked away from me as I just stood there completely numb,then you told me nothing will happen between us,you changed the subject and we talked abit about that,but as I walked away I felt so dead.I don't think you know how much pain and hurt I feel,if someone asked you if you thought I was over you by now then you would say yes,you just think it's something stupid.How can this be stupid,I'm depressed,I feel like cutting myself,I feel hurt,regret,need,all because I need you.If this is stupid then my feelings are stupid,so what's the point in.... I can't even mention the L word,this has totally changed my view of it,I guess there's no point.I wonder if anyone else has giving up on L*** because of a heartbreak.I was never the type anyway,but I guess you have made my mind up for me.Everyday I still wonder what you're doing,I think of all sorts of stuff,it doesn't help because I guess you're with another woman no matter how much I hate that,but it's not up to me,it's your life,I just wish I could have been a part of it.No matter how much I write,talk and think about you it'll never be enough,but it might ease the pain for the tiniest mini second of this hole journey. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=am6rArVPip8&ob=av2e   Florence and the machine - what the water gave me

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjDEGoDCh9I   Florence and the machine - heavy in your arms

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlsBObg-1BQ&feature=related   Adele - set fire to the rain

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AW9C3-qWug&feature=related    Adele - someone like you

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0put0_a--Ng&feature=related   Adele - make you feel my love

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGwH-x4VoH8&feature=relmfu   Adele - cold shoulder


These songs are the songs that make me cry,everytime I listen to them I think of you.The songs are so beautifully sung and have beautiful lyrics,I shut my eyes to feel lost in the music,hearing every beat ; rhythm ; word ; note... It's weird how I feel so calm,but sadness and anger is coming out of that little box in my head,I start to cry as I'm listening to these beautiful sounds in my ears.It makes me wonder how something soo calming and beautiful can make you feel sad at the same time,but I guess that's what songs are for,to express how we're feeling.Every word I hear makes me think of something I've felt/feel for you or what's happened in the past.

I need to write down what's going on in my head but it's just so messed up I don't know how or where to start,or even if these are truely what I'm feeling.I'm stuck with these thoughts and feelings going on and it's weighing me down.I need to put everything on paper and sort it out in order so I can look at what I'm going through,with a more clear head.I'm struggling to say or writ what I feel,it's like I question myself or just try to stop feeling and thinking because it gets too much.This is all I can say,not much but it's something.

I'm just soo annoyed,upset and depressed,what ever happens in life that makes me smile there's always some rubbish that happens,maybe I'll just suffer from depression all my life,I don't know because I don't get help for it.I'm just so frustrated with myself,other things and other people,I need to let the anger and frustration out by cutting myself,I can't cry because there's no place where no one would notice me crying.My family is the reason why I try to keep myself going,I couldn't leave my family,they've already told me how much I mean to them and they mean alot to me too.I'm just stuck between feeling like dying and being kind of scared of dying,it's hard to deal with both of them,it's like getting chucked around by all these different feeling.

Why is he on my mind all the time? I already know the answer to be honest,this question pops up in my head quite alot,but I know it's because I can't get over him,he's just soo fit,there ain't nobody that's going to be fit enough to take my mind off of him.It's not love,but I don't do love,so it's lust that runs through my body,I do check other people out and would like to sleep with them,but everytime I've still got him in my head.It's been nearly 4 years since the first time I seen him,it was on the 12th of September 2007.When people know about this and the situation,people think it's no big deal,it will go away with time but I don't ever see that it could go away,I'm serious,it makes me depressed to think that I can't see him or sleep with him,I don't regret telling him my feelings for him but I regret not talking to him before I left school,yeah school,he WAS my teacher.I cut myself because I need him so much and feel depressed,I've had quite a few dreams of him.Recently I had this dream that he came up to me in the street and said that we could be together now because I'm not his student anymore ,we walked up the street abit and then we kissed eachother,it felt so real,then he went back to his car,I woke up at this part,I just wanted to foul myself and carry on dreaming about him.Everytime it's the holidays I get this picture in my head of him walking down a sunny town,with 3 quarter length trousers and a t-shirt and shopping bags in his hands.I love every thought and image I get of him but it makes me soo depressed,I wish it didn't.I remember his voice,his clothes,things he's said,funny and not so funny things he has said to me.