drawer16's Blog

Still missing you

I wish you knew how much you still mean to me, I keep deluding myself by thinking maybe if you did know you would give us a chance, but you are better off without me. I can still see you clearly in my mind, well what you used to look like, your voice has faded though, I can't hear your voice as clearly as I used to, it's just a mere echo of your voice. With pain, I think about how you could be in a relationship, sharing a place or maybe having a child(ren). Thinking of you being a husband, being a dad, it really kills me, but I can see you being brilliant at both. As reluctant as my heart is, I truly hope you are with someone that loves you with all their heart, I want you to be happy, I just guess I still feel a little bit of that jealousy. Small things still remind me of you, to be honest I don't think that will ever go.

wishes, what if's, but's and maybe's

So many wishes, what if's, but's and maybe's, only used when things have gone wrong, regrets are made and my mind can't stop thinking.

I wish I could be stronger, I wish I didn't tell you, I wish I could have a high self esteem, I wish I could be physically and emotionally healthy, I wish I could be with someone special, I wish I didn't loose the trust of my family, I wish I could tell you how I feel, I wish I could still see you, I wish I could forget, I wish everything was alright.
What if I didn't tell them, what if I had talked to my family about how I felt, what if you reciprocated my feelings, what if things in my past didn't happen, what if I had listened to my dad, what if I had thought before I said it, what if you weren't there, what if I had been more responsible, what if my mind reacted differently to things, what if I hadn't done that.
But I'm too weak, but I can't, but I've tried, but you lied, but I don't want too, but I hate myself, but I'm addicted, but I'm lazy, but I get anxious, but it was my fault, but I need you, but I couldn't stop myself, but I needed too, but I trusted you.
Maybe we could have been together, maybe you hated me, maybe I could have behaved differently, maybe I could have tried harder, maybe you were right, maybe I'm just too weak for life, maybe I overreacted, maybe I deserve all this rubbish, maybe you felt the same, maybe I could/can't change, maybe I'm fake.

All these wishes, what if's, but's and maybe's and probably many more that have all been spoken in my mind, they're all linked up to some sort of issue, problem and experience I've had and have. I don't go a day without speaking at least one of these things in my mind and when I do it hurts, it brings back so many thoughts and physical and emotional feelings, I ramble on and on in my mind, constantly thinking about problems and possible solutions. I have times where I can get carried away with ideas and fantasies in my head, there's a great possibility they won't come true but still I delude myself a lot the time.

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Previous Posts
Still missing you, posted January 2nd, 2014
wishes, what if's, but's and maybe's, posted January 8th, 2013

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